The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
