I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize