Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Four minutes until I can fart!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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