i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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