if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
