need another drink. this is the easiest way
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
