omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
As shirtless as possible
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
