We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
