Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
