Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
