i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
