Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize