i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We’re leaving where are you
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