The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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