It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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