so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
