she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
