Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
