I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
