I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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