Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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