I think my fart just growled at me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize