The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
