just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
