Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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