Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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