take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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