Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
