FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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