I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
