we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
