its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I've blown a few things in my day
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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