Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
