wrigley field is MILF paradise
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
