there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize