That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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