We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
