it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
