Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Randomize
