I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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