bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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