Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
