When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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