Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
