Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
