Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
