And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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