I think I am morally bankrupt
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
