The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
