Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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