Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
