so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
