Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize