Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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