i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
