i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
