mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
